What changed in me?

 I am writing this now at this point because, I have been trying to understand what has changed in me? A little story, before I go further. Post divorce in June 2020, I was dating someone called Lydia Mc Donald. For someone like me, who came out of a really ugly divorce, it felt as if someone was actually interested to see who I and be with me for what I can be.
Perhaps, I started to dream too soon, as this person seemed to have not sorted out her out feelings in her divorce and proceeded to leave me dangling without any closure for my heart. If you had seen a blog post that might have seemed too depressing, it was written while I was struggling to move on from her. At the time I was struggling this woman had easily moved onto the next person and had settled in. Come to know this had me devastated even more to the point I had nothing to go on. I still have feelings for her but, my hate for what she had done to me triumphs all that.

There are only two people in the entire world, I have started to hate, one person broke my family and my heart for her own gain, while another made sure the broken heart would never be put together by any means. Yes, the former was my ex-wife and, the latter is Lydia. They both proved to me one thing, if you are always trying to make someone happy, you would always be the one being unhappy.

The surprising aspect of that statement is that, it was said to me by a dear friend of mine when I was still studying my undergraduate coursework. The good old days when I was naïve and believed to find the good in everyone. I used to be the person, who always thought that friends will be friends & love will be loved, they will be there to share the joy and they will be there to share your sadness, no matter what. While I have been there for people, in their difficult times, it only dawned on me for what people are, only when I am in that difficult situation. The reality is that, just like mass and matter, happiness can never be amplified, it can only be transferred from one to another. A friend suffering to help another, a mother suffering to give something better to the son, a father doing the same for her daughter. Always, it will be in person losing the happiness while the other gains it.

Over the course of 2021, I went through different phases of being still in love, to anger and now to finally hatred. I was skeptical at people, after divorce and, that was fair enough. Now, I am skeptical about everyone one I meet. The innocence in me has been assassinated and, there next to it, is a vile being with the dagger of doubt that had slit its throat. It interesting when you start to question the aspects of everyone, your mind becomes clear, you end up being no longer the puppet in someone else's show, you start to notice what's happening around you. How people react, their habits , their tendency to lie, their madness to money not knowing what they would lose and how much value they see in me. It all ends up being so much clearer.

I have to thank my ex-wife, in making me hyper-vigilant to the tiniest mannerism changes in people. It has showed color of people and what I can do. How I saw the world, has been, turned and twisted into something, I had thought never would be possible. My curse of  a memory, is now an even bigger one now, as it gives me the chance to judge someone retrospectively. 

It now, begs the question: What have I become? Someone twisted, hyper aware that one is emotionally unstable and actively addressing the issue, while, also constantly being able to keep people at their place and not offering anyone the chance to step on me. I have become someone who was with the thought process that "Everyone is good, till they show their evil side!" to "Everyone is Evil, till they show their good side.". I am more patient waiting to see the nut crack, see one's true color before I start to involve with them. I am less hurt. I am getting good at reading people and predicting people. Turns out, My friends say that I have become scary when I do that, as they are in the same cross hairs as others are. It's not their fault though. The world has shown me what I should be and the what I cannot be.

I am now, what I never wanted to be. A selfish human, who will not mind hurting others if it's a means to the end. I am no longer the one cheering for the hero, but, rather the one who would side with the villain. Strangely enough, I am able to empathize with people associated to be as bad. They are not bad by choice. They have been forced to give up the good in them, just like me. I am no longer a good natured person, no longer a feminist, no longer agnostic and no longer philanthropic enough to be there for others. What I have become  is someone who has it for himself and thanks to those two people.


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