Fuck it! Am done with all of my stupidity!

Here I am! an aspiring Engineer, stuck in the mid-30s of his screwed up marital life. Stuck in the middle of a pandemic waiting to screw up my livelihood.

There is now a constant doubt linger above my head. Am I good? Am I bad?? I honestly don't know and let the world figure out.

I wouldn't say that I married out of spite or anything. It was a weird one but, the marriage did show some telltale sign that it's going to be screwed up.

It's just me!
Talk about the stupid one in the family. I always thought I was a genius in my family. For all the academic or Professional excellence I brought in, I sucked balls deep when it came to street-smarts. I  can learn an entire programming language or design an Electronics System within a day or two, but, even with 28 years of life behind me, I am still incapable of bargaining for a cheap price with a local vendor. :| Maybe that's why not only my family but some of my truest friends were sure that the person I was marrying can be much of a con-artist.

How I sealed my fate?:
It all started with an ex-friend (yes, we are not on good terms.) of mine putting the idea into my brain that I should ask out the girl(her friend), whom I had a crush (Technically, she seemed like the logical choice for me.) on at that time. I talked to her, she laid out some ground rules and I was fine with it. All I was expecting was mutual care. I was happy that I was going to land up with someone who thinks with me on the same level(I was wrong on so many different things).  

The Trouble:
But then, it didn't seem so. She was developing an inferiority complex against me the entire time she was my friend. I don't want to sound narcissistic but I only became good at certain stuff because I put in many years of my life into it. I did tell her multiple times of this, that am older than her and that I had more time than her to learn a lot of things. I also added that am not good at a lot of things she is good at and she can catch up pretty soon with me on what she was missing. But none of it seemed to have reached her mind and she continued to be so. 

Even with all the persuasion that I am no better, she held on to the thought that I was treating her inferiorly. It was quite the contrary, I was doing my best for her not to feel that way. I stopped discussing work or anything related to work, limited my self to family conversations, filtered out the nerd part of me most of the time, never intentionally tried to hurt her, but I guess none of my efforts really go through to her. Since she kept saying that I was all the time rubbing it off on her face.

This went on for the entire 3 years of our marriage.  Numerous times I tried to be the best husband I can be. I sat with her for her GRE examination prep, TOEFL preparation, her Masters Application, Study Loan Applications, Projects, Resume preparation. Letter of Recommendations prep work, cooked her dinners, immunization shots, 12days of Christmas, intentionally let her beat me at PvP games, helped her get over a hangover(I don't drink so I had to figure out the aspects of this.), tried teaching her to drive (this one needs a story of itself with insults being spewed at me). I even let her drive my car (ps to other people, no man allows anyone other than him to drive his car even if it's a Prius.). There are a lot more things I did that I don't even keep count of. I treated her family like mine (Among the both of us, I was the only one, who used the word "our").

Forgive me if I sound chaotic, I am just spouting out all of what I remember. It was October of 2018, that I started to feel the drift. She started being more and more hypocritical. One of my bad quirks is that I tend to forget things when I become singly focused on something else. This trait of mine led to me forgetting to buy certain grocery items, and, she would scream the hell and insult my parents' upbringing and insult my family and would call for a divorce. She would bring up divorce when I mess up my cooking when I panicked about her almost getting the car into a ditch, poking fun at her when she pretended to make a sincere attempt to pick the trash out. 

I did care about her a lot for her, I started to plan my career around her, I reject job offers from GM, Parr Labs, Keeptruckin and Amazon labs, all of it because I wanted to be near DeKalb where she was studying. I spent my time at home working on her CS projects and helping her with her assignments. Coaching her for her quiz, but despite all, she was only interested in pursuing her career options, not interested in settling down.  Of the 24hrs a day, I used to spend 7 to 9 hrs for work, 1 hr prep work and some cooking, 5 to 6 hrs of sleep, I would spend the rest of the day tutoring her for assignments and tests. Not once she would ask me if I slept fine or ate (I stopped doing it after she said I had become annoying.).  I lost my health my started to gain more weight with stress eating.  The drift started happening further and further and to the point, she started bringing her friend to avoid having a private company with me (around November 2018).

She always felt ashamed of saying of either that she was married or that she was married to me. She would fantasize of her seniors at university and make fun of me(I am not usually the ego type, but this hurt.). She would be talking cheerily to everyone and just scold at me as if she has bipolar disorder. This continued between July 2016 and  May 2019. I tried to hold till October of 2018, but nothing seemed to go forward, even a stranger sounded sweeter than her. I tried to talk to her dad on this aspect but he didn't respond either, he was pushing on the agenda that she has a single child problem and that she has an OCD (didn't seem so when I was not around.). I was bloated( a bit fitter these days) at that time, I was insulted for my size both her and her best friend (my ex-best friend and a sarcastic hypocrite). She brought up divorce even for this one. I was quite stressed, lost my appetite,  gained weight, and started to make mistakes at work more and more. I started losing my sleep as well.

I messed up big time:
The last straw was January 2019, when she scolded me for not emailing her resume through her email to her Potential University Employers. (Its Christmas People don't read emails! You just get pushed down the queue if you email early.).  I drove through a winter storm, dropped her off at the airport, and just made it through 2 nights.  It still continued to happen though. She created the image that I was torturing her, starving her with her parents. Apparently, having a credit/debit card, a phone doesn't warrant the freedom to buy her own groceries and I am supposed to buy it for her. During engagement it was all about "independence" for her in her choice, I guess she only wanted the power to choose and not the consequences of her choices. I don't know how I tortured her because I was the one who was constantly being scolded. OK. for a fair note, I am not an organized person, but I train my mind to keep the disorganization into account(I remember stuff when I put at someplace. It is stupid, but at times it helps me retrace my steps if I am lost. ).  I had it explained to her before engagement, she was okay with it at that time but after marriage, it was not so.

The Red Flags:
After 2018 December, I started flirting with other females / fake accounts, they seemed like someone who would listen and of course, I didn't give out my details. They seemed like the person who would listen to and we were already down to not talking for weeks.  This was all happening and in the month of April 2019, I was diagnosed with a foreign mass in my bladder. I had to undergo cystoscopy, She did stay for the 1st two days and I felt I was betraying her and wanted to confess, but, she again started to scold me for the things of past and still fat-shamed me again. I decided to not tell her now but decided to stop the unwanted flirting. I still felt bad even then and I wanted to get a fresh start. I stopped all of those silly activities. I guess it was a little too late at that point. She had already gone through my phone when I was under amnesia, screenshotted every message, and saved it to her phone. She then changed the passcode for her phone and made sure I won't find it.  Since then she was scheming to collect evidence for the divorce. Since the march of 2019, She has been trying to instigate me constantly by being even more acerbic. I realized that things are going to be even worse than in the last fight.

She started avoiding me altogether, and, she would reach out to me only if she needed any money for her tuition as well as living expenses. When I was at bed rest, she still continued to ignore me entirely. She would go out with her friends and avoided being the same room as me. I asked about going to a movie and she continued to make plans that would exclude me all the time. She started setting up a separate bank account, set up a separate T-Mobile account and started moving more things (including new stuff I bought for her) out of the house. She lied about one of our common friends not being comfortable with me around in public among them. Here is the thing, I have been on the good side of all these people, helping them around without expecting anything. Such a sudden comment got me frustrated and I marched onward to my friend's cubicle to ask. I just blurted out the question only to be shown a chat history that was the exact opposite. My friend was the one asking my ex-wife to pull me in but, she says that I was not available. She then went on to call me and blurt out a lie on my face. I felt even more left out that I resumed the texting but this time, it was more for someone to speak to that something else. I really just needed someone to listen to. I was done listening to that woman for all she was. I didn't tell my mom(I wish I had talked now.) due to obvious mother-in-law-daughter-in-law feud likelihood. At this point, all I was feeling was that I was left alone. I have lived my life for more than a few years alone (about 6 years), and I had not felt alone in a long while. I regret not talking to my mom at that time.

The troubling "in-laws":
Her parents came to 'our' home (I guess that was her final act.)  by the end of May 2019. Her instigations started to skyrocket, she started bringing up huge fights for the smallest of incidents laundry, misplaced docs, a bit salty chutney. I am a  casual spender (or at least I used to ) and after my hospitalization, I was running low on money and I wanted to take her parents out, so I asked her if she could put in about 200$ for a trip to Chicago for tickets for her mom and dad. I was planning to cover the rest of the cost for the gas, tolls, restaurant, Tilt trips, Navy Pier, Taxi Rides, etc.  She sends me an "Ok" and then I go home to see that she had told her parents that I am treating them unfavorably. Then her dad took me in my car and started saying that he started to sound acerbic saying he didn't care about my money and he can write me a cheque anytime. He then went on to scream and dared that he can come to my home town and show off and still be good. He continued to say that my parents talk behind their backs. Anger swelled up in me, little did he know that some of his relatives have been talking behind his back about his daughter getting a free ticket to the USA and a semi-funded MS Degree through a slave (Yes, I am quoting their statement.).

The 2-day nightmare:
The 2-days of Chicago was "HELL" quite literally. I knew nothing was going right, I told her on Wednesday of the week that it is not a good idea to have 4 of us in the same car, with a bad air between us and that I will follow them up in my colleague's car along with my colleague's parents(My colleague was a good friend of hers.), while she will have her friend accompany in my car. She again went with an "OK" in text, and the next day all the three make an intervention that they would not come if I am not driving. The issue was that I had given my word to my colleague that I can drive since my ex-wife and the friend joining both have a license to drive (apparently they lacked the confidence to drive in downtown Chicago, and, need a driver.). I told them if my colleagues is okay with the change of plans, I am fine with it as well. I told her that if the friend is fine with the idea am good as well (I do not like going back on commitment and if she wanted so she should let the person know why.). This woman, instead of call the other to let know of the change, simply texts as if it is a piece of information! Have some courtesy! If you actually know that person, it is rude!!! I don't care how she treats me but treating my friend like that is not good, nothing angers me more. With no other way, I accepted to drive. On the day of the trip, I was late by 30 minutes (my fault, I started pondering my situation in the shower, frankly I was lost in thoughts for quite a while.). It began with an awkward silent drive all wat through I-29 & I-80, the other gang were ahead of us. She was constantly instigating me the entire trip, make comments, undermining me every time in front of everyone. I was too focused on driving in the 4-lane and was not listening to any of the talks.  A frighteningly sharp pain hit my right armpit, and, I pulled the car to the emergency lane. I turned back to see her, grinning while pinching me real hard (That woman doesn't have common sense even when I am handling the life of 4 other people there.). What if I had given the car into another?? At that point, I realized it was going to be a nightmare, a really long one at the least.

The nightmare continued, she started to complain about every small thing on the trip. We went to Panera for morning breakfast, then we decided to make it to Skydeck. we also decided that we would stay at her apartment in DeKalb over the three days. The other friend of hers wanted to go to the Museum, so we got delayed again in dropping her off. We reached Skydeck at around 10:30 and finished it up in 45 minutes. She then wanted to take her parents for "The Bean" but it was summer! I advised on taking Uber, while she insisted on a walk, and finally I got her to go with Uber and we got to the Millenium Park. I had a funny grin when they realized that if they had taken the walk they would have taken longer and not made it through with all the heat, because the other gang did and they were already tired.  The friend leading the other gang is someone who likes to make a plan and stick to it. This went on and we finished the rest of the day with a boat ride, only again to be criticized that I chose the wrong ride (She bought the ticket with her own credit card and she made a huge ruckus about it before doing so!). She then screwed up the plans by going to the beach nearby 360 Chicago and as a result, we were late for the next destination. Those assholes didn't even worry for a bit that I will be the only one driving the entire time. We went to Chicago 360 and the woman scammed the people there, by stating that her dad has a health emergency and then took them to Benihana restaurant downstairs. Here was the next problem, the other gang already finished the trip and was waiting for us at 360 Chicago for apartment keys. These people did not even think about the aspects of that as well. The other person need to rest as well. I guess, this woman was getting back at the other for ratting her out about the movie fiasco. My ex-wife started shouting in the car(I was hitting the heaviest of the traffic) when the other gang could not find the apartment. I know how DeKalb is and I know how the other person mindset was, so I made her hang up the phone, and, then I called up with hand-free mode and started calming her down and hints one which direction to look for. The moment I hung up the call, these three started saying that I was too supportive of the colleague. Fuck! Yeah! I was supportive! The mistake was on our side and No one would want to keep their parents stranded outside for more than 1hour in DeKalb at around 10PM. Again, I got segregated to stay alone in a different room from others.

The next day came by and we went to the aquarium. It started to rain and I had to park away from Shedd. I told her to leave the umbrella in the car, as I had to walk from the car to the Aquarium in the rain. But she acted as if she never listened and took it, while I was screaming that I needed it. Again, the loneliness of not being wanted there struck me. I went back to park the car and  I walked back to the Aquarium, drenched in the rain. I guess my sensation was heavier than the rain at that time. I was frustrated and wanted to go home. I just went along with their whims for the rest of the trip.

The Hard punch in the gut:
She said it! She finally said she wanted a divorce and I broke down. I was holding my tears in, I could taste them in my throat. It was like a punch that made it so difficult to breathe. She said she wanted it immediately and that she had already consulted with her University Legal Advisor. I saw it coming but I didn't know that it would be so much. I took my car and started driving randomly. I started calling my Mom and told her as well. She held her tears and calmed me down, she told me to go back home, and. told me that she would talk to her. I went home late around 1AM. I couldn't spend time there, it became the most uncomfortable place to be.  I kept doing it for the next day as well. My mom called up and I put her at the conference to talk(I was at office.). I just listened when my ex-wife assassinated my character as a sexual predator and a sadist. I started crying, I could not even shout because I was at the office and I did not want to bring my personal problem there. I could not work for the next two days neither sleep. My mom took a while, but, she is sharp in picking up lie, she caught on to what that woman was saying and called me up separately, she told me to pick up all my documents and leave the house before that woman would instigate me to bring about violence. I was scared at that point. I went ahead and picked up the docs and reached out to my friend. I told him the entire thing above, including a few more private stuff. He was sympathetic and I unofficially moved out. I got a bunch of clothes and started staying there. I am a lot grateful, for, without his help, I would have been in a definitely been in a bad situation. The days continued to roll and I broke down in front of the manager, told him the entire thing, to my surprise, he concluded that the woman was using me and that I better lawyer up than blindly signing the papers. I went with his advice, visited patterned, and concluded that I am not at fault at a bunch of stuff.

I decided to hold off on the lawyering up and responding to her till I saved some money. I decided to leave for India for my parent's anniversary. In the meanwhile, My parents tried to talk to hers and it winded up in mine being abused verbally. My parents recorded the conversation and after hearing it I decided to no longer think about joining back.  I went ahead in November 2019 and layered up. Since then, that woman has been whiling away my time and bleeding my finances by postponing the process. She moved to Las Vegas with another guy and was not ready to divulge address information for summons, citing that I would stir trouble. The last thing I would want is even visiting her. At this point, I want to get her out of my system. I joined the Badminton Club and went on a spree. 4hrs a day every day to the point that people started thinking that I live at the club. It helped me a lot. It kept me distracted so that I can move on. It also added a good side effect. I started losing weight real fast, 12Kg in 2.5 Months, and with no change in diet. I am now more determined than ever to prove her wrong in every aspect. As for the property struggle, I decided to give away all the stuff that was jointly owned by us(I still paid the entire amount!) . I now feel clear! Hell Yeah! am done with my stupidity! Screw You Sneha! I have moved on!